The Island of Misfit Conservatives


Jeff Kouba


     Every year I look forward to the unique events that come with the holiday season. Locally, the Minot Chamber Chorale's Renaissance Feast and the performance of the Messiah at MSU are always among my Christmas highlights. On television there are any number of concerts and special shows.

     One of my favorite Christmas TV programs is Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. Though the animation is corny by today's standards, the story is timeless. But even as I've seen the show countless times since my youth, I never realized the story of Rudolph is really a clever allegory for the eternal struggle between liberals and conservatives.

      While liberalism was once a genuine altruistic force for social change, it has metastasized into a frowzy, wheezing beast whose chief self-centered goal is political and economic control of American citizens.

     So what does this have to do with the story of that reindeer with the red honker?

     Consider Santa Claus. Santa is the face liberals love to put on government. Big, sprawling government. Santa is kind, non-threatening, benevolent, and, in a word, large. His reason for being is to fly around and drop all manner of free gifts on the citizens.

     The liberal blueprint for staying in power is to make as many citizens dependant on government as possible. From welfare and Medicaid to Social Security and Medicare, from higher minimum wages to paid family leave, from earned income tax credits to the magic of tobacco settlement money, liberals want people expecting government to stuff free money into their pockets. If the government has to go across the street and take that money from some hard working family, so be it. And once citizens become dependant on those free gifts, they will keep voting for the liberals who bring them these programs.

     Along with this philanthropic bent comes an angelic profession of tolerance. Liberals can't say enough about how inclusive they are. Bah, humbug. Dare to stand up and disagree with liberal philosophy. Dare to take conservative views on issues, and watch how fast you get cut out of the herd and attacked.

     When Santa and the other liberal reindeer discover Rudolph's shiny nose, they are shocked. Santa even declares that Rudolph must lose the nose before he can join Santa's team. Conformity is the rule.

     Rudolph meets Hermey, another conservative castoff from Christmastown. Hermey wants to be a dentist, definitely not the politically correct occupation of elves. Together, Rudolph and Hermey leave Christmastown, singing what often seems a conservative anthem. "Why am I such a misfit?/I am not just a nitwit./Seems I don't fit in."

     Along the way, the two misfits meet a prospector named Yukon Cornelius, another conservative. Yukon is just the kind of thing that liberals want to stamp out. He goes where he wants, unhindered by regulations, seeking to make a living on his own. Yukon doesn't expect handouts from anyone.

     Sam the Snowman, the genteel liberal, condemns Yukon for seemingly thinking of nothing but silver and gold. Such is the liberal's favorite portrayal of conservatives. But Sam betrays liberalism's true view of money by singing "Silver and Gold/Everyone wishes for silver and gold/How do you measure it's worth?/Just by the pleasure it brings here on earth." Money is the lever that liberals use to wedge themselves into power.

     Small wonder the trio end up on the Island of Misfit Conservatives. Conservatives are called many things. Mean-spirited, greedy, intolerant. What better mascot for such a sad bunch than the Charlie-in-the-box. Nobody wants a Charlie-in-the-box, or so liberals would have us think.

     But in the end, it is this band of conservatives who save the day. Terrorizing the land is the Abominable Snow Monster. The Abominable is another type of liberal. A gruff, feral exterior really hides a sensitive soul. Bumble, an appropriate name for a liberal, nearly triumphs, but is eventually defanged, and our conservatives find him a job.

     Of course, the moral of this delightful children's program is that we all have something to contribute, and we are all valuable even if we seem like misfits. But we who consider ourselves conservative must not let ourselves be beaten down and mischaracterized by liberal attacks. Stand up for what you believe and for what you know is right.

     Merry Christmas, everyone.